Although there are things in life we cannot explain, we can rest assured that the answer will come to us when we are silent. I don't know why my best friend and love had to pass away or why he had to have cancer, but what I do know is that before him I thought I was going to die alone and unhappy. I thought nobody would ever love me. I thought that all the shame and guilt I held onto was going to be who I was going to be. I thought I was fat, ugly, sluty, and a has been.
This was my reality at the time. I had a wonderful way of keeping this away from the outside world. I walked through life with a smile that any believed I was strong and courageous. Although I would only tell part of the truth of went on, in everyone's eyes I was a female veteran who went through hell and came out standing.
But was I brave? I didn't feel like it. With all the thoughts I had about myself inside, I felt as if I was a fraud. I couldn't agree with anyone else about what they saw in me. Bravery? Heh whatever. I held on so tight to what guys would say about me when I was in the military. Like a desperate child who just wanted to belong and be loved, I grasped tightly to what was shown to me as a female soldier. I wish I understood that all the chatter in my head really wasn't mine and that it came from other's wishes not to be in pain anymore. My surroundings at Ft. Riley were nothing but a bunch of lost souls who couldn't even bare to look at themselves in the mirror. Everyone had every excuse to be shitbags on a daily basis. COMING FROM THIS PLACE MADE ME FEEL HOMELESS, DIRTY, AND AFRAID. I felt like a throw away junkie or something.
Not my Scotty! He was completely different. He was a man who stood in his own light despite what others thought. Sure he was human, he has doubts, negative thoughts, and challenges. There were parts of him that wanted to be unraveled and gawked at! He had the kindest heart, but he also had an assertive and aggressive nature to himself. He didn't like to see unjust things happen around him. Go figure he was a libra! LOL But together we walked through life moving forward as I dragged that pass with us as he dragged his own.
He was such a beautiful man, helped to me to see my potential, but for me that's all that it was. Just potential. I was still reluctant to see what he saw in me. I was only able to catch glimpses of it now and then. I had always felt my void for sure. How can someone who thought so poorly of herself stand boldly now with fervor when her "hero" left her "alone" with 2 kids?
She can because she always had it in herself. Sometimes we are pushed to wake up. This is my reality. I continue asking questions, and I continue playing my life out on this earth. But this time I can see a little bit more clearly now. So when you stand in your convictions of all the "I CAN'Ts" in your life, I asked that you look deeper and trust yourself to know who you are and what you want out of life. Just as Marie Forleo says, "Everything is figuureoutable".
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